Friday, September 22nd 2023

Might bring back the daily posts, or just destroy my weekly / organized posting schedule altogether. What’s on my mind and my mood ranges so much from day to day, it feels reductive to try to remember and summarize fleeting feelings from the week – then again, why even try to capture them in the first place?

Sitting down to write something every night seems really annoying; on the fence about it. I also worry about the user experience, like I feel like it’s gotta be fairly annoying to check this every night to keep up with it. I feel like the only way to conveniently keep up with it is an email subscription. It’s a mess. We’ll see.

This is currently V.3 of my blog. V.1 was around 2015-2016, it’s still up but I’m locked out of it and you’ll probably only find it if you know the url. V.2 ran from Jan to May 2023, and is scrubbed offline. V.2 had a daily posting schedule, feels pretty insane that I kept it up as long as I did. The reason I switched from daily to weekly posts and eventually deleted V.2 altogether was that I felt my blog put me at a disadvantage talking to girls. Yeppp.

I’ve since evolved, don’t really give a fuck anymore. Thank God.

I’ve been in talking-stage hell with one girl for a few months, don’t know what the fuck I was doing there. I feel like it was just irl doom scrolling, like I was actively wasting my own time, energy, and brain cells for my own depraved entertainment. Cut that off. Feel pretty good about it.

I’m back on Tinder, don’t feel good about that. I met my ex on Tinder somehow, and that turned into a 2 year serious relationship. Don’t know how the fuck that happened. My 2023 experience has been nauseating at best. Every single match, I just think to myself, “this isn’t going to go anywhere” and block them. I don’t know what the hell is going on there.

My boss is getting married this weekend. I somehow got a date to that. I asked them to come over tomorrow. Pretty nervous. Part of me wishes I didn’t do it, to avoid the social interaction and nervousness and effort, but that’s the whole point of living. It’s a mess, we’ll see.

Finished my first week back at my old job, not really much on my mind there. Going from an 8 doctor practice / ER to a 1.5 doctor routine clinic is a jarring change of pace. I’m going to look into working at an ER vet on the weekends while I’m waiting for my military processing.

Started the long bureaucratic process with the military about getting my medical records processed. I’ve got to get psychiatric shit from my past reviewed and waivered, it’s going to take some time. The ETA in my mind for enlistment is like 3 months, but we’re moving. Since last week, moreso feeling the army over the marines, solely due to the $50,000 enlistment bonus the army offers that the marines don’t. I really like the challenge and prestige of the marines, but it feels retarded to turn down $50,000 for pride. One plus side is that the mental health background shit is a lot more lenient in the army as opposed to marines, so if I do pursue the army, it’ll go a lot smoother and faster. It’s a mess. We’ll see.

Tangentially related, I’ve been running again to work on my 3 mile time to meet the requirements for boot camp. Just a friendly reminder that my fucking leg is broken. On Monday, I ran 4.2 miles in 39 minutes, or about a 9:30 per mile. Honestly didn’t feel too bad that night. I did it on sidewalk and pavement. Tuesday, leg felt like shit so I didn’t run. Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep so I went to Planet Fitness and ran 3 miles on the treadmill, I’d say it was top 3 physical pain moments of my life when I stopped. I literally limped out of there. I NEED TO STOP FUCKING RUNNING. I haven’t run for the rest of the week, but I think I will tomorrow. It really hurts physically, but feels really good mentally, and I can do it, so I’m going to do it. Fuck you.

Brought my cat home from work. Johnny was the office cat at my job; I took him home earlier this year, and returned him while I was in South Dakota. He seems very content and happy to be back home. I brought him back to work for a day this week, and he seemed miserable. I kinda fucked his name up. I don’t like the name Johnny, so I tried rebranding him to Teriyaki, but it’s a mouth-full and didn’t stick, so I just call him kitty… which was the name of my ex’s cat who was pretty important to us, who died, so it just feels fucked up. It’s a mess, but it’s not getting any better, so no wait and see.

I finally got around to eating at Waffle House earlier this week. Had an unexpected moment of emotional vulnerability and weakness, not going to elaborate. I think it’s funnier to leave it up to the imagination. I feel like now that I’ve finally gone back to my old haunt that I’m officially home.

I usually say talk to you next week, but again, I’m probably going to kill my schedule and start posting sporadically. So… good luck.

See ya when I see ya 🙂