Wednesday, December 13th 2023

I never know how to start these things anymore, I just wanna go in raw no foreplay. I fucking hate formulating an intro.

All I want to do nowadays is work, workout, eat, and sleep. It’s peak season for Amazon so I’m working pretty much every day. I’m actually the GOAT of Amazon delivery and am #1 in my DSP so my manager let me 2 days off this week which has been cash money – or the opposite, if we’re being literal. I’m working 5-7x 12 hour shifts a week. Awesome money, but taxing on every other aspect of my life. I’m making substantially more weekly than I was even making biweekly as a vet tech, it’s fucking awesome.

I met with my army recruiter last week and we’ve got a slight change in plan. To catch everyone up; I was voluntarily hospitalized for suicidal intent when I was 18 which makes me ineligible for military service. I need a psych-eval clearing me of depression to bypass it. The plan was to save up and pay for one out of pocket, which is why I’ve been so fucking dialed in with work. When I stopped in last week, another guy was like we can probably get you set up for a MEPS psych-eval if you write an applicant statement, basically telling your story and stating your case. So that’s the plan.

Feels like shits moving again. I haven’t written it yet, procrastinating. Like I said earlier; all I want to do is work and workout. I like making money. I’m not in a rush for peak season to end because it’s a license to print money, like I’m clearing more than 1k a week. I am going to work on that bitch as soon as I publish tonight’s post though – army is the long term goal, not Amazon lol.

My #1 fitness goal this year was to lose weight and drop as much fat as possible. I’ve done a pretty good job, if I fast, I can flex and see my abs in the mirror which is something I haven’t been able to do in half a decade. My plan was to get some sick before and after pictures 1 year after the start of my transformation, but I think I’m going to give it another year. Being skinny is cool and all, but I want to be fucking yoked. I want to look like a man.

I’ve been in a calorie deficit for the vast majority of the year. I was 240 lbs in January, 195 in April, sat around 190-180 from June-October. I’m currently sitting at 175, somewhere between 15-20% body fat. Not great, not terrible.

I developed an eating disorder, which lasted from July-October; I was on a date, and was reflexibly checking the macros on my meal, determining how much I could eat. She was definitely a little weirded out so I joked “Sorry, I might have an eating disorder”, and she said “I know” with the most sympathetic tone, and it just clicked in my head. So from there, I stopped strictly tracking my calories and macros, and was just being mindful and actively healthy as opposed to obsessive.

Nowadays, I eat around 2,500-3,000 cal/day. According to my fitbit, I burn >4,000 cal/day, which I don’t think is accurate, as I’d be withering away at a >1,000 cal deficit over a month – but I think there’s a degree of truth to it. I average around 27,000 steps a day (which is a half marathon daily – just to brag). I am perpetually hungry. Every fucking second of every day, I am starving and want to eat. So I know I’m in a deficit; I just don’t think it’s >1,000.

Anyway, I’m not content being skinny. I want to get jacked. I unironically need to bulk. I am fully locked in. The plan is to go back to tracking my macros; eat ~3,500 cal/day, >160g protein daily, sleeping at least 9 hrs a night, and dial the fuck in on my lifts. I need to quit fucking around and get my numbers up.

My current split is lifting 2-3x a week; late at night after work. My split is rotating between arms, chest, back, and legs – no particular order, just doing what I haven’t done the past 2 times. I’ve got arms and legs down to a fucking science. I consistently progressive overload, get a good pump, am noticing an increase in size. Back, I don’t feel as confident about, but I have noticed growth in my lats, and I have been increasing in strength. Chest is my achilles heel, and my biggest insecurity.

I want big muscly man pecs, but I’m currently rocking with my little femboy A-cups. It’s the biggest thing holding me back from sharing any physique pictures. I’ve plateaued at 135# bench for at least a month now. I started the year off, weak and fat as fuck, doing 65# for reps. I got up to 115# for reps while I was out in SD. I hit 135# for the first time in September, 1 rep max. 3 months later, I can do 4-5 reps. It feels so fucking ass. More than anything, I want to put more weight on that fucking bar. So my #1 fitness goal going into 2024 is to grow my chest.

Opposite of this, I feel fucking awesome about my legs. Without a pump, I can see definition in my quads, and I have above average calves thanks to being a former fatass and being a runner. I feel really confident about them and love wearing shorts, which is insane because I didn’t even own a pair of shorts a year ago because I hated my fat fucking turkey legs.

I tried doing a marathon yesterday, it was a bit of a disaster. I walked my first marathon in October, slow but consistent pace over 10 hours – was a complete joke. I went to the Enola low grade trail down by Martic Forge, with the plan to run 13 miles, and walk the 13 miles back. 2 critical mistakes were made – 1. I hit legs the night before, and it was a hate-fueled intense lift where I just completely destroyed my legs, and 2. It was f-f-fucking FREEZING.

Holy shit. I barely scraped 9 miles by, then my headphones died, and I was not going to commit to an additional 8 miles (4 more in, 4 more out) without music, so I said fuck it and turned around. Those 9 miles back in the cold quiet we’re the most physically challenging thing I’ve done in my life. I ran 2 miles back, walked for 5, and wanted to run the last 2. What a mistake. While I was walking, my legs completely went into recovery mode. When I saw the mile-marker indicating 2 miles left to go, I tried getting into a jog and my legs were so fucking cold, tight and resistant. It was like rigor mortis. I got into my head and just imagined what David Goggins would do if he were me. He’d push through that shit. So I pushed through that shit. I can proudly say I ran the last 2 miles.

I clocked 19.5 miles for the day, 6.7 shy of a marathon. Oof. Part of me is proud that I did more than most people did that day, but I also feel like I left so much on the table. Like I 100% could’ve made up the difference on a nice temperature-controlled gym treadmill. Just gotta live and learn and do better next time.

The mixture of DOMS from leg day and DOMS from whatever the fuck you’d call what I did yesterday, my legs were just completely fucking cooked today. Everything from my ass down was just fried when I woke up this morning.

I don’t know if I should be even running at all. My stress fractures have healed; so no leg pain from running. I mean if it aligns with my goal of bulking. Most people run more to justify calories. I need more calories to justify running. Pretty funny.

I’m going to make another post either tonight, tomorrow, or sometime this week. I need to do that fucking applicant statement first!!! But, I am going to make another post shortly after. I want to make a pinned post with just a Who Am I? / overview / FAQ sort of deal for new readers, because new readers is something I’m interested in! I haven’t advertised this blog AT ALL since reviving it in July or whenever the fuck it was, because I wasn’t happy with who I was. Guess what, I’m happy with who I am, so I want to share this blog 🙂

Whenever I get that pinned post out, I’ll probably start linking to this blog on my socials again. I’m nervous and excited about that. I know in previous posts that I’d do that before, and I value my word, so I’m sorry. I am a perfectionist and want things to be right before I commit.

Make sure to follow the blog; should be a button in the bottom right corner. Since I don’t have a posting schedule, this will give you an email notification for when I do post. Also check out the associated playlist for this weeks post. I express myself equally if not more so through my spotify playlists than my writing. Talk to you guys next time!