Tuesday, December 19th 2023

I got a new keyboard. It’s cheap, as far as keyboards go, but it was a long overdue upgrade. It’s a mechanical 60% board, so it’s smaller than a normal keyboard (60% the size), which I find to be very aesthetically pleasing, but also there is a slight learning curve since the removed space / keys are condensed into the remaining ones. So, the point of tonight’s post is to break in my new board.

I’ve always wanted a mechanical keyboard, it’s loud as shit. I’m pretty happy about that, although I don’t expect my parents will be.

I’ve always wanted a smaller board, either 65% or 60% (here’s a guide, in case you’re out of the loop on what those entail). In hindsight, I think I’d like a 65% board a lot more in practice, as it still has the arrow keys fully intact, whereas with a 60% board you use the Fn button on top of other keys to use the arrow keys. I surprisingly use the arrow keys a lot when typing, as shorthand to move around my paragraphs as opposed to clicking. I typically only touch the mouse for stylistics (links, color, bold, etc.). Like I said earlier, there’s a learning curve with this thing. The keys are in slightly different “locations” than I’m used to. I don’t know how to express that better; it’s a normal QWERTY keyboard, it’s still in the correct order, it’s just things are closer together and slightly off-center / off kilter of where I’d expect them to be, like a 1/4″ to the right, which is just enough for me to typo.

I’ve always wanted a blank keyboard. It’s not one. I figured with it being my first mechanical as well as my first small board, It’d be a good idea to get the feel for those 2 new elements before adding the 3rd trickier one. There’s just something about blank-key 60% mechanical boards that pleases me so much; I think they’re one of the most aesthetically pleasing things on the planet.

It’s low-key a mass produced cheap piece of shit, but it’s still an insane upgrade from what I was using, the actual cheapest shittiest most basic dogshit board imagineable (which was also a mass produced cheap piece of shit). I got that thing from an old job yeeeaarrs ago. My mindset with this board is to get the feel of it over the next year, then drop a good $80-120 on a real nice custom artisan board, blank keys and all. That probably sounds braindead to most of you, but hey, I’m a guy who likes keyboard and typing.

I also got a new mouse. I was using a Razer Naga since I built my PC, about 5 years ago. That poor fucking thing… it was grimed to the max, busted as fuck, would randomly disconnect even though it was corded, and was missing keys (yes, my mouse had keys). That thing had seen some shit. It was a really good mouse though, and I was really hesitant to replace it. Razer makes good shit, I just took VERY poor care of it. I would definitely love another Naga, but it’s a $90 mouse. I got a white Razer Deathadder instead. Drastically cheaper mouse (~$25) but still aesthetic and matches my board. You might ask yourself, what’s the difference between a $90 and a $25 mouse? That’s a great question.

The way my board is mapped, I have to press Fn + Shift + Esc to type a tilde (this thing: ~). I use tildes frequently enough, for approximating things, so it’s a bit of an annoying hoop to go through to type one, but it’s my only triple bound key. Thank fuck I didn’t get a blank board.

I also got a mousepad. Notice how I didn’t say new mousepad? I’ve been rawdogging my mouse since I got back to PA. While I was out in South Dakota, my mom and stepdad renovated my room, and in doing so they threw out my old mousepad, which I designed for a high school project. I loved that mousepad, but it was falling apart and maybe even rotting (???). I didn’t bother replacing it. Like I said, I took fucking awful care of my old mouse and was just scraping that bitch across my desk. I’ve been trying to find a decent quality cool mousepad for about a month now, nothings quite met my expectations, so I bought a 4-pack of these mass produced cheap piece of shit 1mm thick mouse pads for like $7, so, fucking steal.

I bought some other shit for myself too; new socks and underwear, supplements, bunch of grooming shit. I exfoliated and moisturized for the first time tonight. I’m telling you, I’m a different man.

I’ve just decided to start taking a lot more pride in my appearance. For no particular reason, I just had a I don’t want to live in a hole in the anymore moment. I don’t want to be an ugly gross piece of shit anymore. You we’re supposed to read that in monotone George Clooney / Mr. Fox’s voice. That’s purely self deprecating; I don’t actually think I’m uglier, I just know I’m capable of better and am going to do better.

Sort of opposite of that, my hair situation is in dire straights. I’ve kept my hair pretty short for the past year or two. I used to keep it long years ago, but once I cut it short I never went back. I can’t fucking stand it long anymore. Since I’m trying to get into the military, the way I see it, if I’m going to be federally required to have short hair for at least the next 4 years, I owe it to myself to grow it out long while I can. It’s also a commitment to myself, to work hard and get into the military ASAP so I can cut this shit off. I fucking hate having long hair. I did not miss spending more than 20 seconds to dry this shit.

My last haircut was either in September or October. I’ve got maybe >3.5″ going on right now, sort of an Owen Wilson hair type. I feel like such a fucking tool. I want to buzz this shit more than anything. Maybe I could make it look good if I actually styled it, but I don’t. I hate the feeling of having any product in my hair. So, I’ve just been a professional hatfish the past month. Any time I’m out in public, wearing a beanie. Indoor / social settings, wearing a cap. I’m hoping it comes off as a sort of Sam Sulek type vibe, like the hat is part of my identity, and not a I am ashamed of and trying to hide my hair sort of vibe.

Speaking of Sam Sulek, update on my fitness shit. I’ve been eating about 4,500 cal / day for 5 days now. It’s about as fun as eating 1,250 calories a day, which is to say, not at all. I feel good about it though. Not bloated, no sense of sickness (sidenote, I did get sick this past week and am and have been congested as fuck, fucking hate getting sick), and I feel pretty rock solid mentally about bulking. I’m currently about 175 lbs, I’d like to get back up to 200 before cutting again. I’m trying to do it fairly clean, which is fucking hard with my job. I’m tracking my macros, but not being weird OCD eating disorder about it. I’m making sure I’m hitting my goals, but no stress.

I realized I can flex my pecs for the first time this week. I remember when I first started lifting with Jake back in February, he asked if I could do that, and I didn’t even feel any sort of mind-muscle connection with anything in my chest. Like it was just a chunk of fat and skin, if I spent all day trying to squeeze something with my mind, fucking nothing. I try to take a picture of my physique fairly frequently, which translates to about every 1.5 weeks on average, just to track my progress. The last time I did this was shortly after my last post, in which I talked about wanting to grow my chest, so I just tried squeezing my chest, and I watched my pec flex in the mirror. Not much to anyone else, but to me, everything. Words cannot express how good that made me feel. It made me feel like the past 11 months of lifting hasn’t been for nothing, that I am getting somewhere.

I’ve been thinking about getting some professional photos taken of myself. Nothing shirtless or related to my physique, but just an updated portfolio of myself. The last time I got pictures taken was my senior year of high school, like 4-5 years ago. All of the candid photos I have of myself are from the past 2-3 years where I was a lot heavier. More than that, I want to see how I’ve physically matured as well. Even more so than any of that, I kind of just want to do it for myself and feel like good-looking and pretty, y’know?

I’m not quite sure how the hair situation ties into that though, my official stance on my hair is that I do NOT condone my long hair and I don’t want the long hair to be the look I put out in the world. I want that shit cut for photos… (nor do I want it buzzed for photos). On one hand I really want to buzz it from long as fuck, but also I want to get it trimmed down to what I normally rock, get my pictures taken, then buzz from there, but that sounds and feels retarded.

I think I’m at a good point in life when one of my struggles is how I want to do my hair. Every single day, I am so thankful that I am alive and that I’m injured or diseased. “Every day above ground is a great day, remember that”.

You, yes, you reading this. 99% of everything I say on here is really just fluff and pointless, but if you are going to remember anything from this post, I want you to keep this; genuinely practicing gratitude for the things I have in life has been the biggest game changer in improving my outlook on life.

One year ago today, I was so fucking depressed, completely detached, just apathetic about everything. If I were killed, I’d have been fucking thankful. It started slow as fuck, it felt sooo fake, but I started journaling a handful of things I’m thankful for each week, gradually incorporating it into my daily life, and one year later, I wholeheartedly believe myself cured of depression. there’s a lot more to it than that, but gratitude was the biggest thing.

I absolutely just love projecting at the end of my posts. I think I’ve done this like 3 posts in a row now. Still, I cannot recommend enough starting a gratitude journal, just jotting down a couple things each day or week that you’re thankful for.

A couple things I’m thankful for this week for no particular reason: cats, border collies, my stepdad, Mountain Dew Baja Blast Zero Sugar, my best friend Jake, the satisfaction of taking a nice crap while on the clock, Pennsylvania woods, the ability to eat and taste, my brother, my nephews, my high school best friend Max, who passed away a couple years ago.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.

You’re one of 3 people, the others being my mother and Jake, who I think have ever truly known me. You’d always listen, always understood my intentions, like you knew why and how I operated. You’d stand up for me, you’d include me in things even when I was hard to include. You’d exclude me from the things I’m grateful you excluded me from. Part of me wishes I could take your place, not that I want to die, but that you had so much more to offer the world than me. You were kind, smart, handsome, talented, funny, and a good friend. I’m so fucking mad at you for dying.

The last time we talked, I told you how much you meant to me, and that I wished you stopped using, and you told me you did. You went off to college, we’d lost touch, months went by, and I get a phone call telling me you overdosed and died. Do you know how mad I was at you? Do you know how mad I still am? I was talking to my mom about you recently, and she asked if I thought I could’ve done more for you.

I only ever made it as far as you’d let me in. I don’t think I ever really knew you at all. I don’t know why you did what you did, I rarely knew why you did anything. I honestly don’t know if I ever meant anything to you at all. I don’t think there’s much point in asking myself this shit. All, I know is that I’m thankful you were my friend.

I wish I could see the man you’d have become. I wish I had the opportunity to meet your future kids, and you meet mine. I wish you could’ve met her. I wish could’ve been there after her, and you could see the man I’ve become. I’d do anything to see you bust your ass hiking with me again.

I can’t take your place, but I can try to live enough for the both of us and make every day count. I really miss you dude.

Associated playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4QBv7NDaCCSnRoiUMAy0Rz?si=41f0fff3de9d4ac9